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Sun Dec 11, 2011 2:44 pm
Laughing at these stories might earn you a first-class ticket to hell, but they're worth the risk. They come from Jeff Kisseloff's spectacular oral history of early television, The Box. Warning for sensitive readers: they contain salty language and bad things happen.
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GREG GARRISON [producer-director]: I got [Mike Wallace] a job as a commercial announcer on Super Circus. He didn't want to be ringmaster because that was a schmuck job.
One day I'm looking at Billboard magazine, and I see "Tom Katz and His Five Baby Elephants close in St. Louis on May 6th and are opening up at the Milwaukee Showgrounds on May 15th." They gotta go through Chicago. "Mr. Katz, how do you do, my name is Garrison. I'm with WENR. We have Super Circus, the television show."
I booked the act. At rehearsal, he's standin' in the wings of the Civic Opera House. He's wearing a big rubber glove, and he's standin' behind the elephants and he's goin' into each one and Pushhhht [makes the motion of extending his arm and pulling it back five times]. I'm watchin' this, and I don't dare say, "What the fuck are ya doin'?"
The assistant says to me, "He cleans 'em out so they don't do anything on stage."
"Fine." I'm assuming he's gonna do it before the show, right?
We start the show live, boom, bing, da, da, bing, bing. A lion, a tiger, an acrobatic team, "And now, ladies and gentlemen, here is Mary Hartline and the Super Circus Orchestra." Mary Hartline is a girl about twenty-four years old who has the biggest pair of tits on a white girl I have ever seen [extends his arms]. Unbelievable, and a dingbat, but she married some of the richest men in America, five husbands.
We decided that she should follow the elephants, so out come the elephants. Bang!One elephant starts to take a crap. And when one elephant starts to take a crap, on cue, five baby elephants start crapping and pissing all over the fucking ring.
"AND NOW LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MARY HARTLINE." Out she comes, and she's leading the whole fucking orchestra right through the shit. She falls right on her ass. She gets up, and she's covered.
* * *
MIKE WALLACE: The smell of elephant shit was heavy in the hall. Now the doors open and the kids come running down and they begin to smell it themselves, and nobody wants to sit in the first ten rows.
Greg goes out to shovel the shit. Now, instead of being eighteen inches deep, the shit is a mere nine inches deep, and I have to do a Peter Pan Peanut Butter commercial. I'm not on camera, although the boy is. I say, "Watch little Tommy as he spreads Peter Pan Crunchy Peanut Butter on that piece of bread. Watch as he bites into that luscious Peter Pan Peanut Butter." The kid bites into it, smells the shit, and begins to cry.
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HERB HORTON [director of commercials]: Some not-so-good things happened on live commercials. We did a thing with a swan for a cake mix. The swan was in a tank in a set that looked like a backyard. At rehearsal, the account executive decided that we should attract attention. He said, "Have the swan do something. He's a trained swan."
The trainer says, "Maybe I can get him to wiggle his wings." The swan did nothing, so the account executive says, "Christ, Horton, I thought you said you got yourself a trained swan. Make him do something."
He didn't know what he wanted him to do, just something, so I got hold of the head electrician. I said, "Hook up a wire to the tank, and give him a little smidge just to wake him up."
In rehearsal the swan goes "quaaack," and there is glee in the control room. Now, we wait for our cue to go live. The account exec goes, "Gee, that was great. Get him to do a little more."
I tell the electrician, "Give him a little more." I give him the cue. The electrician gives him a shot. The swan goes "quaaack" and drops dead as a doornail.
The account executive is dying. Nobody knew who executed the swan except the electrician and me. The trainer walks into the pool and picks him up. "Oscar, Oscar, please, please wake up."
I just went to the product shot as soon as I could.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
GREG GARRISON [producer-director]: I got [Mike Wallace] a job as a commercial announcer on Super Circus. He didn't want to be ringmaster because that was a schmuck job.
One day I'm looking at Billboard magazine, and I see "Tom Katz and His Five Baby Elephants close in St. Louis on May 6th and are opening up at the Milwaukee Showgrounds on May 15th." They gotta go through Chicago. "Mr. Katz, how do you do, my name is Garrison. I'm with WENR. We have Super Circus, the television show."
I booked the act. At rehearsal, he's standin' in the wings of the Civic Opera House. He's wearing a big rubber glove, and he's standin' behind the elephants and he's goin' into each one and Pushhhht [makes the motion of extending his arm and pulling it back five times]. I'm watchin' this, and I don't dare say, "What the fuck are ya doin'?"
The assistant says to me, "He cleans 'em out so they don't do anything on stage."
"Fine." I'm assuming he's gonna do it before the show, right?
We start the show live, boom, bing, da, da, bing, bing. A lion, a tiger, an acrobatic team, "And now, ladies and gentlemen, here is Mary Hartline and the Super Circus Orchestra." Mary Hartline is a girl about twenty-four years old who has the biggest pair of tits on a white girl I have ever seen [extends his arms]. Unbelievable, and a dingbat, but she married some of the richest men in America, five husbands.
We decided that she should follow the elephants, so out come the elephants. Bang!One elephant starts to take a crap. And when one elephant starts to take a crap, on cue, five baby elephants start crapping and pissing all over the fucking ring.
"AND NOW LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MARY HARTLINE." Out she comes, and she's leading the whole fucking orchestra right through the shit. She falls right on her ass. She gets up, and she's covered.
* * *
MIKE WALLACE: The smell of elephant shit was heavy in the hall. Now the doors open and the kids come running down and they begin to smell it themselves, and nobody wants to sit in the first ten rows.
Greg goes out to shovel the shit. Now, instead of being eighteen inches deep, the shit is a mere nine inches deep, and I have to do a Peter Pan Peanut Butter commercial. I'm not on camera, although the boy is. I say, "Watch little Tommy as he spreads Peter Pan Crunchy Peanut Butter on that piece of bread. Watch as he bites into that luscious Peter Pan Peanut Butter." The kid bites into it, smells the shit, and begins to cry.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
HERB HORTON [director of commercials]: Some not-so-good things happened on live commercials. We did a thing with a swan for a cake mix. The swan was in a tank in a set that looked like a backyard. At rehearsal, the account executive decided that we should attract attention. He said, "Have the swan do something. He's a trained swan."
The trainer says, "Maybe I can get him to wiggle his wings." The swan did nothing, so the account executive says, "Christ, Horton, I thought you said you got yourself a trained swan. Make him do something."
He didn't know what he wanted him to do, just something, so I got hold of the head electrician. I said, "Hook up a wire to the tank, and give him a little smidge just to wake him up."
In rehearsal the swan goes "quaaack," and there is glee in the control room. Now, we wait for our cue to go live. The account exec goes, "Gee, that was great. Get him to do a little more."
I tell the electrician, "Give him a little more." I give him the cue. The electrician gives him a shot. The swan goes "quaaack" and drops dead as a doornail.
The account executive is dying. Nobody knew who executed the swan except the electrician and me. The trainer walks into the pool and picks him up. "Oscar, Oscar, please, please wake up."
I just went to the product shot as soon as I could.
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